I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
