Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
