Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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