I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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