My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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