im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
