You're my little dorito
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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