Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
