I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
