It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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