Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
