My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
