So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
