I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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