this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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