how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i think i just lost a toe
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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