that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
