You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
