The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
