Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
