this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
