i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize