This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
