I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
