So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Damn victory sex feels great
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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