It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
