forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
