There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize