i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
