Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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