you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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