I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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