Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
