It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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