kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
