Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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