this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
