I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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