did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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