I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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