he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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