the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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