happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
