i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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