i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
