oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
