guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize