I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
