Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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