I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
