that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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