My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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