it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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