I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
