I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
